I crashed out when my partner broke up with me a few years ago. He offered stability, a future with financial security, and a way to escape the brokenness of my family and homelife. Emotionally, I was alone after my parents died, and after years of burying my head in schoolwork, I was finally ready to build closeness and pursue a relationship.

My fantasy crumbled, and the future I built in my head—away from Food Stamps, Medicaid, and fast food gigs—seemed naive. I felt indignant, signed up for therapy (and Grindr), and unpacked the emotional stains poverty had left on my love life—the body dysmorphia, anxiety, and desire for stability at the expense of my independence. I suddenly had to be the parent for myself that I lacked as a kid, and it sucked.

I felt the sting that many people who've endured financial insecurity feel in romantic relationships: my situation would worsen without the financial security of a partner. In many cases, financial independence is not an option: a family member relies on you, disability prevents work, or violence and homelessness are imminent and threatening. Financial dependence and physical abuse in relationships are highly correlated. In fact, financial abuse occurs in 98% of abusive relationships, jailing people in emotional and fiscal poverty. Unsurprisingly, women and queer folk bear the brunt of this abuse, and this systemic issue demands national address with progressive policy.

My mother, who was financially reliant on an emotionally abusive husband, took the risk of moving into a domestic violence shelter after the abuse turned physical. She knew that enduring homelessness and financial insecurity with her children was worth the prospect of a brighter future, and she trusted she had the resilience to make it through. I'm grateful every day my mother took that leap, that she believed her lifetime of enduring poverty had prepared her with the survival skills beyond the safety net of her husband. I know not everyone can make this leap, and that timing really does matter, but for anyone considering leaving an abusive relationship at the expense of near-term financial security, remember there are people and programs who will support you at your lowest. You are not alone.

Resources like the domestic violence hotline and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence connect millions to critical resources in times of crisis, and more local programs like these is NYC might save your life or the life of a loved one. They saved family.

My friend Jayden recently broke free of an economically abusive relationship after three years together, and I asked her what changed:

What was your mindset in that relationship and what led you to leave?

It was easy knowing he could provide for me, which was really different from my childhood. I had to work two jobs to afford anything I wanted, so it was a quick switch to join a relationship that relieved this pressure. It was so foreign because I had never encountered that type of wealth growing up, where you could just eat out or buy things you wanted without working directly for it. I thought it was impossible to get the things I wanted in life on my own, like raising a family. And he would tell me that I couldn't get these things without him.

Getting into college changed things. Knowing that the starting salary for my profession is high made my goals seem achievable by myself, like the first tangible glimmer of independence beyond him. I got the courage to break up and stop letting him control my finances and speak down to me.

What was the scariest part about leaving and how did you manage that transition?

Student loans. Debt sounds terrifying and there's a huge stigma. Like, if you have student loans, no one talks about it because we feel embarrassed and sound unsuccessful. You feel years behind everyone else, but I had to remember that so many people have student loans and do just fine.

How are you managing finances differently now vs then?

I use a yearly budget tracker to manage my finances, and yeah, I have to limit going out and spending money. I work to pay my expenses while at school, and I'm trying to teach myself the discipline to handle my money myself. Also, being honest about my situation with my friends really helps. The other day, I went out with a friend to a bar and I said I was on a budget so I could only get one drink. He ended up buying me one, which was nice. It doesn't have to be taboo. Being conscious about my spending is building my independence after leaving an ex who kept me down.

Every story is different, but learning from the experiences of those who have endured economic hardship is showing ourselves the selfcare needed to uplift our communities from this cycle of abuse. Not everyone has the privilege of going to college like Jayden, and it is not a crime to pursue a wealthy partner, but independence is possible if we bolster our community resources and share our stories about abuse. Just as always, we need to advocate for policies that support victims of economic oppression, because the weight of abuse is too much to endure alone. We need safety nets, resources, and most of all, we need community.

You can sign up for a financial education webinar with the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence today, and explore taking legal action by contacting your local member of congress. Let's advocate for a country that uplifts the stories that need to be heard.